Advice from My Younger Self

I recently was trying to find my old college essays to help my boyfriend with his new class. While searching through old prompts and research papers, I came across this document. It was intended to be posted somewhere at some point, and I never followed through. Now looking back almost four years later, I think it has potential to help people. So, why not, I am going to post it. To those that it helps, I am glad. To those that read it, thank you for letting me share this personal piece.

Today is July 31, 2019. This exact time last year I woke up in my mother’s bed with my eyes shut as tight as possible, in fear that I would wake up next to an intruder. This exact time last year I crawled into bed with my little sister and her slightest touch made my body automatically retract in disgust. This exact time last year I woke up with the realization that I had been sexually assaulted in my own home by a person that I once called friend and by someone that my whole family trusted. Trusted enough to let him stay with us for two weeks. Trusted enough to let him console me in bed due to the death of a young friend. Trusted enough to let me fall asleep next to him under the influence of a sleeping aid so I could stop crying and get some sort of rest. Well trust only goes so far when there are hidden motives.

I am sharing my story to shed light on how easy cases of sexual assault occur and how the statistic of “it is usually committed by someone you know” is terrifyingly the truth than most of us would like to admit and believe. This incident occurred two weeks before I was leaving for my first year of college. Did I address the situation in the way I wanted to? No. I told the guy to leave and never come back over text, left my house with my best friend to get away from everything, and blocked my assaulter on every platform. It took me the rest of the day to bring it up to my mother, which was the hardest part because I felt so embarrassed. I felt embarrassed that I had somehow led this guy on to think that he was allowed to touch me in the ways he did. That embarrassment eventually began to degrade my confidence that I had worked hard on throughout high school and even transformed into a sense of social anxiety. Something that I had never experienced because I was always the outgoing, sociable one who had no fear of meeting new people and being boldly myself in any situation. My first few months of college were fine in the sense that I did meet people that became my current friends and that I consider family. But I continually felt this hole inside of me. I had never been a crier, but the slightest resemblance to my incident brought me to my knees – the death of my pop-pop, any talk about sexual assault on campus, any mention of my assaulter on my friends social medias, any remembrance posts about a young friend that we had all lost, even being brushed up by people in bars.

I have always been the friend, sister, daughter, even stranger that anyone would come to about any sort of issues they had; whether they be academic, social, emotional, or even just to talk to for fun. I have never been the person to open up to others about personal things in my life. And I especially was not going to be the person to admit that I was at the weakest point in my life and needed to talk to a professional. Then as soon as I realized that I was at my weakest point, I realized that I needed help and that was okay to admit and seek out. After three months of talking to a resource provided by my school for people who have gone through sexual assault, I realized a lot more things about my situation and, even more importantly, about myself. Below are the ten things that I have taken from this situation that I hope can be a lesson for any woman or anyone to take from in any way possible.

1. When it comes to sexual assault, sexually harassment, or even just feeling uncomfortable in any similar situation – it is and never will be your fault. For whatever reason, we believe that we caused the situation or led our assaulters to what they did. No matter how hard you try to prove you are guilty or associated with guilt, it will be impossible. There is no excuse for any man to touch a woman without her permission or to make her feel uncomfortable in any sexual context.

2. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. In the middle of what was happening, I tried to push myself to go back to sleep so I could just be numb to what was happening. This is often the case for a lot of women. My body froze and I went numb. But something pulled me out of that feeling, forced me to get out of that bed, and go to my mother's room and lay down. That something was my strength, and the strength that I had no idea existed and wasn’t even aware of.

3. Life situations can be fucked up, but that doesn’t mean life is fucked up. Later in the first semester, I had a boss who sexually harassed me. Then I thought, why me. Why has this thing happened twice, why is my life fucked up, why can’t this just stop? Then I stopped playing the pity party for myself and realized that, yes, there are screwed up people out there that can affect events and situations in your life. But that doesn’t mean that constitutes what your life is and certainly doesn’t mean everyone is a bad person.

4. There are people who have gone through what you have, and you are never alone. Every 92 seconds someone in the U.S. becomes a victim of sexual assault. That’s about 6 people while reading this. You are never alone.

5. You get to choose when you need help. For any situation in life where you need to talk to a professional or just an outside source, there is never a time frame or date that you are expected to be able to reach out. No one can force you to get help. You will get help when you realize you need help.

6. Build a friend group. I was stripped of my confidence and belief that I could trust new guy friends again, given the fact that most of my friends have been guys. But I refused to let my assaulter take anything more from me and was committed to finding new people to trust. It wasn’t fair for me or others to be afraid of losing trust in people I had never met and didn’t know.

7. Love anyways. I really did not think that I was going to be able to be touched by another guy I was interested in or boyfriend in the way that I had been before. I was scared that I wasn’t going to have my heart open in the way that I was used to. I have always been guarded of my heart, but I was scared it was going to be completely shut off. Once again, I wasn’t going to give my assaulter anymore control. I was committed to letting myself love anyways, or at least be open to the idea of love.

8. Forgive, not for your assaulter, but for yourself. One of the biggest things that my therapist told me that allowed me to let go was that I couldn’t expect an apology. If someone assaults another person, especially while they are asleep, they probably don’t think it was wrong and therefore won’t apologize. Instead of me holding onto this grudge and waiting for something more, I realized that I needed to forgive myself for being so hard on myself and my character. Once I truly, truly forgave myself I felt free and stopped seeking out that apology.

9. No matter the drawbacks you face in life, you will return to your normal self, except stronger. Once the middle of second semester hit, I began to really gain back my confidence and be the bubbly, goofy self that I missed for so long. But I also noticed a difference in myself, I was stronger and less tolerant of bullshit. I also realized how strong I was on my own and how much fun I could have on my own. I realized that I was enough, and that I am all I need for a while.

10. Stay optimistic. When I recently opened up to my very best friend at home about what had happened, she was still upset for me and upset that I had to experience it all. I told her with a smile on my face that I am not sorry that it happened because I found God through it all, I realized my strength through it, and I still believe that there are amazing people out there. I still believe that I will find a guy for me at some point and that I will be fine because I am fine… perhaps even better.

Someone once told me, “I hope you get to such a low point in your life that you realize God is all you have and all you need.” Whether you are religious or not, I think that whatever higher power you believe in will always be there for you and will see your grace in it all. Shit happens. Life happens, but that doesn’t mean we just stop living.

If you are a victim of sexual assault or know someone who is, there are plenty of resources on campus, and if you want to reach out to me, I promise I have a good listening ear. Each day wake up and know that you have a new slate that can also be your last slate – so why not live it with humility and an open heart. I dare each of you.