Don't Smile

Mental health.

Depression and anxiety often come to mind. However, I am not here to talk about either of those, although they are both important topics. I am here to talk about being sad. Just simply being sad or upset. Not necessarily being sad EVERY DAY, but just being sad every once in a while. Perhaps, even being mad. Mental health doesn't give its regards just to mental disorders, it can and should include mental status on a day to day basis.

I have always been the person to constantly be smiling, to laugh at anything (because I truly do think the stupidest things are funny), and to be there for others when they are feeling down because I usually have such elevated, through the roof levels of serotonin. It's the way I am and have always been. I am naturally a very, very happy person. However, I do have my dips where I get into funks and just tell myself "everything's all good, you're good." Then usually I can pull myself back up within a day's worth.

Recently, though, I have been overthinking, not just my normal overthinking, but basically my whole life (yes, my entire future). Being in a city that really isn't a city, being around a generation of people that connect more on social media than they do in real life, and being in a competitive program that literally makes every day's effort add up... and I mean every day, really has put me in a weird state of mental health. I know I haven't been my normal self, and I know the reasons why. I am having to live every day as a "checkpoint." Did I finish that assignment early so I can start next week's assignment tomorrow? Shit, was that really APA citation or did I mess up on the et al.? Wait, which coronary artery can cause the most damage? And yes, this is the checklist that goes through my head throughout the day and before bed. Did I also mention that I have a very type-A personality? I live each day by a checklist. It keeps me organized, it keeps my racing thoughts in some sort of order and makes me feel like I have some sort of control.

It has recently made me sad though. I feel as though I am not absorbing every day to its fullest. I feel as though I am losing time. I feel as though I am missing out on the world and experiences it has to offer. Did I also mention that I am a hippy at heart and would be completely content living in a van and traveling the world? But, that isn't realistic. I have been trained, subconsciously, from a young age to set goals in my life and not only achieve them, but exceed them. This is because of the standards I have set for myself and because of the expectations of others. I don't know anything different, it is a part of who I am. And, when I do get in funks and get sad, I need to pull myself back up because there is no time to waste.

Enough of my monologue. Now to the point and moral of me wanting to write about this. It is okay to feel sad every once in a while. Matter of fact, I encourage each of you to be okay with being sad when you feel that intense, overwhelming emotion coming over you. I am so sick and tired of people saying "be happy," and take notice that this is generally ONLY said on social media where you can post pictures of you only being happy. I am guilty of it. I only post pictures of me smiling or me goofing off. Recently, I've posted a lot about my travels over the past month and a half, and the cool opportunities I was given in between. But I would be lying to you if I said that during all that traveling, I was really able to live in the moments. My mind was so consumed by my stress with school. And with my stress about my health. Which, fun fact - mental and physical health go hand-in-hand (in case every pep-talk quote on Instagram hasn't taught you that yet). But once again, I want to talk about the switch side of things. The things people don't share on their social media. Because who would want to see pictures of everyone frowning and crying on their feeds?

Being sad because of stress in life, in relationships, in school, in work, etc. is the reality. Sorry to break it to you babe, but you are not promised happy days every day. And that is OKAY! It is okay to cry if you're so flustered about how many charts of bacteria-causing diseases you have to remember, or about how you have no time to do any socializing. It is okay to cry because you don't have time for a boyfriend and to admit that you want one, even though you know you don't need one. It is okay to cry because you miss the sight of the ocean down the street, even though you didn't go to it every day. It's okay to be upset and to let yourself manifest that feeling until it is fully lived out. Because I can tell you first hand, holding it in won't do you any good. Did I ALSO mention that if I could compare my emotions to anything it would be to a vacuum-sealed, tight, nailed on every angle kind of bottle? Impossible to crack open, but once you do, man does it open.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am not encouraging everyone to find sadness instead of happiness. I am simply (but in a dragged-out manner) saying, that it is okay to feel sad when you feel sad. Just like when you feel happy, it's okay to feel happy. I use to think of crying as a sign of weakness. The split-second a tear would escape my eye, I would wipe it away like it was a lemon in fruit ninja (I think that's a fruit in the game?). Now I've changed my mindset. I think of crying as a form of meditation. I don't cry often, but when I do, I think of all the anger or stress I've built up, and just let it go. Move on from it. I think of the stress physically leaving my body with each tear.

Being sad is okay. Be sad when you feel sad.... don't fight it.

Lastly, a quick little thing I'd like to say. I promise I'll make it quick. Don't smile when you don't feel happy. Don't force yourself to constantly present the best version of yourself. If you've ever seen the quote, "you don't know what people are going through behind the scenes," it's because we are told to constantly smile even when we feel sad and have shit (aka life) going on. So people don't know if we are having bad days or if we are going through something. Smile genuinely and smile when you actually feel like smiling.

My mind is on a different path right now, and that's okay, I've accepted it. In fact, I've embraced it. I am trying to figure out all of these emotions I am feeling, not by pushing them away and looking up remedies for them, but by actually feeling them. I am riding this one out. But, I am also promoting ways to release stress because sitting around and doing nothing won't help either. I am slowly getting back into working out, especially running, because it literally cuts my thoughts off from everything. The music starts, and my inner voice goes to sleep for a little bit. I am also starting back up with yoga and going back to church. These methods don't work for everyone, but they are what have helped me in the past. I urge each one of you to embrace the emotions you feel, including the sad ones. I can promise you that in a weird, ironic way, it will make you stronger. Give yourself some love today by embracing the emotions that come with life, and you are on the path of healing.

xoxo,

madisyn